I read an interesting article on relationships via CNN, click here to read it.
Can your wife have guy friends? For most men, I think the answer would be hell no! Part of me agrees with the assertion that its possible for men and women to have platonic relationships. Especially, if these relationships were established in childhood.
The other part of me says this is psych-pseudo bulls**t! Not many men would want their wife spending time with another guy. Regardless of how long they have known each other, having another man, who is not a relative, escorting a married woman around just doesn't seem right.
Meeting an ex — coworker for lunch occasionally is one thing, but your wife calling another man to talk about her relationship issues seems wrong.
Dr Bonnie Jacobson states projection is the issue when married couples have disagreements over opposite sex friendships. "People project onto another person something they would do," Jacobson says. "If Tom says to Sally, I don't want you to hang out with Harry, it's very likely Tom feels he would violate that boundary [if he were in the same situation], so he imagines his wife will, too."
I guess that's one legitimate explanation for Tom's reaction. Another possible reason is Tom has grown up with men. So, Tom knows that many men have ulterior motives when dealing with a woman. He's watched some of his associates sleep with married women, but start out with the moniker of being "a friend." At least, I have witnessed that kind of behavior in the military and throughout society.
Dr. Jacobson's explanation is far too simplistic, human relations are more complicated than simply projection in every case of opposite sex friendships. Actually, she gives a pretty stereotypical view of the way a man thinks. It doesn't seem to cross her mind that maybe by observing the behavior of his peers, might be the reason "Tom" doesn't have much confidence an other men, not a lack of confidence in his wife. Especially, around the prospect of one's wife having a platonic male friend, I got to be honest, it sounds pretty ridiculous to me. Except, for the circumstances I listed above.
What do you think? Would you be okay with your wife having male friends' that she spends time with? And for the ladies, Would you be okay with your husband having female friends' that he spends time with?
9 comments:
Well, as even the ants in my house know....
I've never had a girlfriend. (sad face) So, I've ALWAYS been the "guy friend" who has made many fellows feel uncomfortable in my presence or upon the mention of my name.
I actually appreciate the ones who "shared" their girlfriend with me.
Women will tell you upfront that you are ONLY a brother to them. So, I feel that men shouldn't worry about a guy like me.
I couldn't steal your girl if she was in a shopping cart parked by the door. :)
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I would be comfortable only if I could meet the friend and determine that he was an okay guy.
I have female friends who have been my friends since childhood.
My wife knows all of them. Practically all of them are married or in a long term relationship with someone ,so there is no hanky panky going on.
My wife has lunch with a co-worker,
who also gives her a ride home from occassionally..but he is a married man, who we have double dated with on several occassions.
(He and His wife and me and my wife recently attended the Reading Jazz Festival)
Like you say, you have to go on a case by case basis with something like that.
I know guys so sleazy, I wouldn't want my wife to fast dance with them unless I was there,let alone be friends.lolol.
Not really feeling the friend set-up...
Truth is, your wife will have male friends if she wants them... it's just a matter of whether she will let you know. You can and should have influence over who they are, and she should be able to have some if that's how she's always lived her life. Piggybacking on Keith, you should be open to meeting the friend, and the wife and the friend should be comfortable with you meeting him. Also, while you don't necessarily have to establish a relationship with them, there should be occassional contact between you and him so you can "re-read" him every so often. It definitely is a case by case thing, and the main thing is to know your wife.
Zack,
You have integrity Zack, so you were not one of the men I was speaking of.
It's a case by case basis and in most situations, I believe men have ulterior motives when befriending women.
Peace
Keith,
I have no issues with any of the situations you presented. They all sound perfectly legitimate and the friendships were formed correctly, at least in my opinion.
Peace
Kofi Bofah,
Yeah, In most circumstances I agree with you. Unless they are legitimate, like the examples Keith gave, there's no way I'd be okay with it.
Peace
Dwane T,
I agree with you brotha, if the relationship was established before my wife and I met, I have no right to demand the relationship to end. Unless, I suspect her "friend" has ulterior motives.
Ultimately, you have to trust the one your with. My issue with the article was it's simplistic answer. The whole projection theory is just one explanation, there are many others.
But, Dr Jacobson made it sound like a married person should have no reservations about such a set up. It's completely unrealistic in my mind and that's why I wrote about it.
Peace
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hi
I read this blog.in my experience if you have normal relation with your
co-worker then its ok but if u create a deep relation then its effect your personal marriage life.
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