Myth of Manhood: Chapter Three, Letting go of Anger and letting other emotions in

For many of us men, showing our emotions is a no — no. This is the way many of us were socialized as children. For men to show any emotion is generally a sign of weakness. Although, there is one exception to this rule and that would be the emotion called anger. Society tends to allow men to express anger openly. Instead of admitting to being fearful, hurt, lonely or embarrassed and feeling those emotions, many men allow themselves to become angry. Many psychologist theorize that this is why most violence in society is perpetrated by men. Some men become physical or violent when feeling these emotions because they believe this is their best available option. I think we all can agree that this can become dangerous if men believe violence is they're only alternative.

Now, I'm not saying every man in society falls into this category. There are plenty of men who are comfortable in their own skin and have no problem expressing themselves appropriately.

Nor am I saying that there's never a good time to be angry. Allowing ourselves to be angry when it's justified is a very human thing. I think Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman or Malcolm X all exhibited that justified anger. When our rights as human beings are being ignored, I think any one of us would blow our stacks and there's nothing wrong with that.

Yet, there are other times where anger is unjustified and counter productive. I've talked to men who have admitted to becoming so angry that they didn't care what happened to them next. Usually, they were feeling another emotion, such as being hurt or embarrassed but those feelings quickly manifested themselves into anger. Our IQ drops when were angry, so we're no longer thinking rationale. This fact can lead to behaving in a manner that many will regret at a later time and date.

When I think back to last year, no one exemplified this topic more than Chris Brown. Although, none of us know exactly all the events that led to his attack on Rihanna, we can all agree Mr. Brown over reacted. When Rihanna did her interview on ABC, she mentioned there was nothing in Chris Brown's eyes during the attack. Mr. Brown was so enraged he didn't care anymore what happened next. My question is why? What would make him that angry?

Truth's theory for this situation is simple, Chris Brown got caught. Rihanna stated Brown received a text message from an ex-girlfriend. Rihanna questioned him about it and would not let it go. Mr. Brown was either embarrassed, guilty, hurt or all of the above for getting caught cheating. He probably also felt a woman should not question him in that manner. He's a man and sleeping with as many women as possible is his birthright.

Chris Brown's reaction brought about disastrous consequences for himself. His story is a cautionary tale of what happens when we don't confront the myths of manhood: self destruction.

The reality is we men must confront what we learned growing up about manhood. If some of what we learned is helpful and doesn't infringe on another human beings natural rights, than we should keep it. If what we learned is maladaptive and harmful to ourselves or others, than we must let it go.

We must divorce ourselves from the notion of being emotionless robots. We do feel fear and hurt, confronting these feelings is healthier than masking them.

We must admit that sleeping with as many women as possible doesn't make you more of a man. Their have been plenty of serial killers, child molesters, rapists and other disgusting folk who were good at getting laid. Needless to say, this does not compensate for all the hell they caused peoples lives. Bottom line, there are some real f**kers out there who are good in bed but terrible men. There are better values for us men to focus on than this myth.

We also must be willing to seek equality in our personal and professional relationships. Trying to dominant and be controlling all the time has got to be an exhausting task. Accepting women as our equals and sharing control instead of always trying to be in control will lead to beneficial relationships. Relationships that benefit both parties equally and not disproportionately affecting one person or the other. Basically, do unto others as one would want done to themselves.

We must learn to communicate appropriately with peers and our significant others. To shut down and display no interpersonal skills is going to be counter productive to any relationship. Many men complain women want a man to be "strong" and "tough." Therefore, they have to keep a 24/7 facade of invincibility.

I don't doubt that there are some women who believe in this ideal of men. But, I also know all women do not share this belief. There are too many divorces in this country due to women complaining their husbands don't talk/share their feelings with them. To make a long story short, this is what dating is for. You find out whether your values match with the person your with. If a woman demands you be a 24/7 superhero and you're not, than it's probably a good idea to cut your losses and bounce. It will save you from the drama in the long run.

This is a little off topic, but I remember sometime ago being in counseling session with a former pimp. While discussing a similar topic, he sarcastically quipped "how should we treat women?" Part of me wanted to tell this individual "you should not even open up your mouth." "Your ideology is part of the reason most Black children don't grow up with both parents in the same household." "Your way has brought about nothing but destruction." "Besides, with your prison record, your in no position to have an opinion on being a productive man."

Thankfully, I controlled my anger and simply rolled with resistance.

Ultimately, as men we have similar choices. We can give into anger and fall in line with what society says about how men should behave. Or we can roll with resistance and forge a healthier more balanced value set of manhood. For the sake of the next generation of black boys, I hope we choose the latter.